Saturday, June 20, 2009
Envy
I'm jealous of all the girls before me.
It isn't the typical ex-girlfriend jealously.
Nor is it the paranoia that you might still like them.
I'm envious of each and everyone of them.
Whether or not it might be a fling or a year-long relationship.
Or she means anything to you now.
It is because you've spent considerable effort on them.
Sweet words, kisses, cuddles.
You've held another with spoken words of endearment.
And love.
Similar
To mine.
They each have a piece of you to themselves.
How you laughed, what you said, the way you styled your hair.
Stuff that I'll never know, nor have to myself.
Sometimes I wished I knew you when we were still little.
Then we wouldn't miss out much on each other.
How you were.
Are.
And to be.
yuntian ♥
3:20 PM
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Hi would you like to be my Lover I could write you lines like that.
on
Intensity When I'm with you, a part of me always overflows.
It spills over.
Whether I'm happy or sad or annoyed, you intensify it.
You make it two-fold.
You made gladness harder to contain,
and sadness impossible to tide over.
This extremity fascinates me.
On MeMeMeI am genuinely impressed with my capacity of interest in another person when I'm with you.
I find myself wanting to know the most inane things: What your mother wore to her prom, What is your favourite sock colour, How you behaved on school buses and around your grandmother, Who was your first playmate..
My blabber seems incomprehensible and pointless.
But it makes every sense to me sometimes.
On Recollections(Its all FaceBook's fault, really)
Love
is the glorification of the present.
It is the attachment to the present that drives off recollection, shields one against their constant intrusion.
Memory does not become malevolent
But it can be disregarded and kept out at a distant, and it will lose its power over anyone.
Doesnt it sound tiring?
That you might have to find things of the present to fend off thoughts of the past. Its mechanism is a perpetual loop.
on ContentmentNever have i felt so suffused with beauty when you pull your fingers through my hair and kissed me idyllically on the head.
on FightsWe might be self destructing.
You make me feel like I might be the one planting the bombs.
on InsecuritiesI'm terrified that one day,
you might tolerate less well
my Demands, my Arguments, my Tears,
my all too present, too expansive body.
And my incessant demand for some immense, intoxicating, nameless thing called
Love.
on RevisionIf one day, I ever come up to you and said that I've never loved you or felt that you were right for me...
Don't believe me.
Because sometimes, people revise their feelings if the feelings were wrong.
If reality disproved of them.
on Behaviour&ThoughtsSomedays, I feel like I ought to lay out a moral hierarchy of emotions.
A list of what I'm obliged and entitled to freely feel,
and a list of which I'm never to openly express.
It will be a list which will tell me which emotions are more important to feel right now in this situation and which are unnecessary.
Emotions are neither wrong or right.
The only thing i can do with them is to logicalise them.
Justify them.
Do you understand?
yuntian ♥
2:43 PM
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Reasons
Whatever you become,
Someone will long for
What you were.
Had abit of an epiphany the other day.
FaceBook always abuses me in the most unimaginable ways.
1. I get panic attacks from seeing my oh-so-considerate friends of mine from way back when post awkward photos on me and TAGS me
2. I see how wonderful my used-to-be-chummy friends get along just fine without me in their lives
3. I see used-to-be-really-sane people looking really weird nowadays with a delusional imsocool looks plastered all over
4. I see people i dont know at all on my friends list. So there, the 900friends thing is all just internetpretty. I only talk to 20 of them. Out of which only 10 are real friends. The rest are net-buddies. (HAHA, okay I'm not that pathetic, but you get my point)
I've digressed but the epiphany is:
Maybe you're not meant to 'SEE' how your good ol times friends have turned out.
Maybe it just creates more room for disappointment.
Sometimes I don't like/believe what I see on the screens but I've just got to believe in my most good-natured manner that they're becoming better people. Happy and well.
Just perhaps not in the same way I've related to them before.
yuntian ♥
2:33 PM
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My Sick Head
Life's been awkward.
I keep having these mental images of me wearing an exotic hat sitting outside a classroom with green walls on metal chairs with a row of girls sitting alongside me.
There's 6 of us and we all look similar.
There's only me wearing this really exotic, flamboyant thing.
And I was feeling really self-conscious.
I wanted to wear my hat but I was terrified people might stare.
Like, I did not want anymore attention that I deserved.
I Just Like My Hat. Is there even a deeper meaning to this?
I've been having alot of dreams lately.
Every Night, actually.
Different People Different Words, Different Settings.
I can't really differentiate if I've really spoken to them or not.
I think I'm developing some delusional mental disease.
Help?
yuntian ♥
2:03 PM
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SISTERSISTER
Sister's 15th.
no photos of her cos i took v amateur ugly lighting shots hahahaha.
yuntian ♥
2:23 AM
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Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Does That Scare You?
I return to the story
of the woman caught in the war
& in labour, her thighs tied
together by the enemy
so she could not give birth.
Margaret Atwood
yuntian ♥
12:46 AM
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400th
Psalm 61To the Chief Musician. On a stringed instrument. A Psalm of David. 1 Hear my cry, O God;
Attend to my prayer.
2 From the end of the earth I will cry to You,
When my heart is overwhelmed;
Lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
Anyway, this is my 400th post on Tinct.
Suppose I'll like some spiritual significance to it.
(I'd like to think I'm at a Very Special part of my life where everything is in Transition and everything will be fine when its over)
So.
The last recorded Jewish history was in the book of Nehemiah, and from that time, till the arrival of Jesus, was
400years - known as the
Silent Years.
Yea, I'll be fine (:
yuntian ♥
12:19 AM
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Wednesday, May 06, 2009
Best Friend
ciptanica says "I didnt leave your life.
I just left town."
yuntian ♥
10:09 PM
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Tuesday, May 05, 2009
Ten Reasons Why I Am Unhappy Now (and blogging)
1. I AM AN INSOMNIAC.
2. Yix's phone crashed on him fatalistically and I can't text him random nonsense that goes through my head throughout the day.
i.e. CAN TRANNYS EVER BE LESBIANS? (seriously, can they?)
i.e. DONT YOU FIND IT DISTURBING THAT THE BIG 'Oba..'
MIGHT BE WATCHING PORN RIGHT NOW? (i cant write out the entire name, you know. Its semi-equivalent to blasphemy. Consider his messianic factor.)
3. I Miss My Old Friends.
4. The saddest thing is perhaps I've been trying to reclaim things that I've lost for the past few years.
I've messed up, muddled up a couple of things.
Many by choice and many by circumstance.
And Now, I cant seem to put everything back into place.
I dont suppose you ever can.
Perhaps thats the struggle everyone goes through in life.
You know, to try to put everything in perfect order and in
Zen Balance.
Then again, perhaps by the time one puts something into the ideal designated place in one's life, the Right Time for it has passed.
Rendering all your efforts futile.
5. GIZELLE DOESNT WANNA GO PARTEH WITH THE PACK ON FRIDAY.
6. reading milankundera makes me feel that the world is an immensely sad place. he says stuff like, maybe the young committing suicide is less sad than the old killing themselves. cos the old will be leaving more behind. the young has less to hold on to etc etc etc.
I AGREE.
one just cant keep harping on the 'POTENTIAL FUTURE' of the youth. I mean, there's this indecently large chance that he'll just end up like Normal.
Not Gates or Ghandi.
YouthSuicides are overrated.
THEN AGAIN, if the person is my Friend then i might just grieve indefinitely.
I'm just biased and shortsighted, whatever.
OKAY LETS JUST END THIS ON A PC STATEMENT: SUICIDES ARE SAD.
7. Sister's in DongLand (aka Vietnam) I Miss School Trips. Too bad she's there on CIP and not shopping AW unlike the other time when we went to China it was like 2 days of observation in the classes and 8 days of shopping it was so fulfilling.
K i cant be bothered to finish this maybe I might post pictures to prove I lead a very eggciting life.
Isnt that what Facebook is for anyway?
yuntian ♥
3:10 AM
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Like What She Said The Other Day,
THE TRUTH IS,
CHURCH
IS A BURDEN.And I
cannot, for the life of me,
be spiritual enough to claim that
GOD IS NOT A BURDEN.
Imagine a routine of,
'HI GOD. GOOD MORNING AGAIN. IT'LL BE NICE TO FINALLY FEEL YOU YEAH? okay im checking out now, if you wanna talk to me just buzz k."
x the past 3years of my life.
WELL, okay the above statement are indefinite variants. You know what I mean. Sometimes its more emotionally-charged.
Like,
'GOD WHATS WRONG WITH YOU. IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH ME?'
x 70% of the time
20% of the prayers (if you do count it) goes like,
'OKAY FINE IF YOU REALLY DONT WANNA TALK TO ME ANYMORE THAN FINE. BE THAT WAY. IM GONNA GIVE UP RIGHT NOW.'
THE TRUTH IS,
what I am now isnt a transformation overnight.
I think its a slow pressure cooker that shot off its lid.
Well eventually I think I'll still return to service somehow. Like, this week, for example.
Cos I'm stuck in my rut of a mindset that I can only be happy being the way I was sixteen. And when I was sixteen, I was in church and I was happy.
Granted, that was only one of the factors.
Still, it matters cos I'm square that way.
I don't exactly know the reason of this dumb post.
Perhaps its to justify the reasons why I've been so Spiritually Temperamental recently, or it could just be because Sister's post resonated so much I just had to gargle out something.
Whichever it is, what I really do not want is a stampede of people coming to me, wanting to lead me in The Sinner's Prayer.
It goes more complex than that yeah?
yuntian ♥
2:55 AM
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